I don’t usually end relationships on good terms. Check that, by the time I actually break things off, I have already tossed any remnants of whatever sentiments I had over my shoulder like a crumpled, luke-warm can of cheap beer.

As background, I had a relationship with a piece of trailer trash through the last year or so of high school. She was the older women by about four years. I worked with her at a fast food chain. As i look back now, I have no idea what the attraction was. She had a slightly larger than normal ass, no tits, no self-confidence and was technically bat-shit insane. After a number of socially dysfunctional situations that included one parentally-aborted chapter of stink-pie, I stopped returning her calls; cold-turkey. The relationship carried on through the beginning of college, so the cut-off was easy. I let her go for about two months before I spoke to her again:

She: So I guess you’re not talking to me anymore?

Me: Nope. I’m scheduled to work on Friday. Mind dropping my stuff through the drive-thru? Great.

Prior to that, I dated what I would now call a total sweetheart my sophmore year of high school. For visuals, she was a shorter blonde that was bubbly and bouncy, if you know what I mean, named Tiffany. Kinda squeaky, but really cute. But she was too suffocating for my taste back then—called me five times a day. I did run into her while I was standing on a train stop back when I interned downtown in college. She turned out quite alright. Which is good because I broke up with her on her sixteenth birthday—on the actual day mind you—at her gi-normous outdoor family party. To this day, I still feel like a shit head. But it’s one of those things with me. When it’s over…It. Is. Over.

As for grade school, I don’t officially count any of the sticky fumblings that occurred as relationships. They were not that numerous or that titillating for that matter, with the exception of a girl named Laura—she had great tits for an eight-grader. She let me pet the once, kinda as a sympathy thing. Maybe she was bored. Anyway, eight years of grade school highlighted by five seconds under a pink turtle neck sweater. Fantastic.

There was another girl, named Lori, that apparently enjoyed my social skills so much that her and a friend left a monument to me on bitter cold Sunday morning. As my family rolled up the drive way on our way back from church, we noticed a foot-long summer sausage sticking out of a four-foot high snow bank. It was covered with a white, semi frozen substance that resembled a male excretion. Imagine, for a moment, the awkward silence as your parents determine the nature of the configuration, while an adolescent tries not to betray the fact he knows exactly what it is. Priceless. Yeah, guess I could have let her down a bit easier.

So now, I am sitting in my office waiting for an exit interview. I keep getting requests from the creative staff to which I give answers like: No. I cannot teach you Flash in five minutes. You’ll have to figure that one on your own. I’m trying real hard not to pull the trigger on this smoke wagon and lay waste to the galactically inept. But it is hard.

Add H.R.6 to the list of popular, and ineffective legislation that is a product of our campaign cycle. Put it next to H.R.509, which does in fact raise the minimum wage. However it does not accomplish the popular idea of helping the poor, since the large majority of poor people either don’t work or are not the bread winners.

As for H.R.6, start here.

To begin with, the underlying assumption that the domestic oil and gas sector is currently undertaxed may have been popular campaign rhetoric, but it is not supported by the evidence. According to the Department of Energy's Energy Information Administration (EIA), total income taxes paid by this sector reached a record $71 billion in 2005, the last year for which complete data is available. This is up from $48 billion in 2004 and $32 billion in 2003. Revenues from other taxes on the oil and gas sector are also up. Overall, taxes have risen along with oil company profits. By many measures, energy companies face tax rates comparable to or higher than those of other industrial sectors.

So let’s get this straight. In order to get the country off of foreign oil, the idea is to increase the taxes on the oil industry, and in doing so limit their ability to invest in their own market, and put the extra cash into an alternative fuel program run by the Fed. Prior history supports this how? Add to that the fact that decreased future investment in things like additional off-shore exploration and refinery capacity will actually decrease our domestic supply. Given America’s proven ability to conserve energy, where do we think the gap in supply is going to come from?

According to the Congressional Research Service, “The WPT reduced domestic oil production from between 3 and 6 percent, and increased oil imports from between 8 and 16 percent.”

Don’t like the Heritage Foundation? Fine. Let’s head over here.

2. A significant part of ExxonMobil's profit increases have resulted from year-by-year increases in operating efficiency. Worldwide sales increased 72% from 2001 to 2005, while the total number of worldwide employees dropped from 98,000 to 84,000. Additionally, ExxonMobil has the industry's largest and most highly integrated refineries, which has made it more efficient than most other major oil companies

The profits big oil is taking now are built on investments made in the past. Period. What is most notable is the fact the the oil industry is NOT the most profitable across the country, not by a long shot.

Over the past decade, ExxonMobil's net income as a percentage of sales has averaged a relatively modest 7.3%, with the high point in 2005 at 10%. This pales in comparison to the operating leverage of Microsoft, where software development costs are analogous to oil companies' fixed costs, and duplicating and distribution costs are a small fraction of sales prices. Microsoft's net income to sales has not been less than 25% in the past decade and has gone as high as 41%.

My quick math leads me to conclude that it would more advantageous to slap a WPT on Microsoft, rather than big oil. And hey, it’s the least Bill Gates can do, since he makes so much cash on such crappy products.

But hey, we all want to feel like we are doing something, right?

This hopes to be the final installment in the series. For new riders, I have fallen into the nasty habit of blogging about my employer. I cannot help it. Somethings I just cannot let go of. It gives me an opportunity to remember the banal shit that I have been witness to over the years. If you missed the series, here's The Pitch, The Display, The Mantra and Lunch and Learn. All good reads for when you are considering the merits of the Corporate Bake Sale and its impact on the current office landscape.

Without further delay—I came to my soon to be former employer as a candidate that possessed both print and interactive media experience. The employer was looking to explore new medias and felt that I was the best fit. One of the interesting tid-bits that fell out of the interview process was the mention of a proprietary piece of software that the company was developing. It targets the small to mid-sized medical practices that fell below the agency rate card. These guys are too small to pay for high-end marketing solutions. The idea was to develop something that could be purchased off the shelf that allowed owners to customize their own marketing materials, without having to actually develop them. Basically, it was a set of materials, in the can, that could be customized through a content entry process. At the interview point details were not discussed. I was intrigued.

That was what became known as The Kit. Version 1.0 was already in production when I came on board. After a few short weeks of employment, I got to get under the hood of version 2.0. It seems 1.0 was not selling, and through the process feedback was received that was being incorporated into the second version. What was laid before me was shocking in its lack of scope and misguided assumptions.

Get this: calling the Kit software is similar to calling a two-liter bottle a beverage distribution system. Here’s why. V1.0 provided the owner with six identities to choose from. (Yeah, I know…seems a tad light.) Once the ID was selected custom data could be entered: practice name, location, phone number, names, etc. Then those were applied to a suite of materials: biz cards, brochures, d-mail pieces, ads, and so on. Under the hood, PDFs of all the materials were on the disk. Blanks fields were filled with the data and press-ready PDFs were saved. The owner could take those files anywhere they wish for production. V2.0 was going to expand the creative offering to eight IDs.

The task at hand was to create identities logos that generally fit the medical sector. I immediately raised my hand. The component of a logo that makes it an identity is that it directly relates to an attribute of its owner. We don’t have any idea what type of practice is going to purchase this product. How can we possible do anything more than make pretty pictures and window dressing?

I received a shoulder shrug in response, and was directed to take my best shot. At the first round of creative review I was greeted with entries from my creative supervisor.

Here's a sample:

This next sample brochure cover will blow your mind. Forget that this reminds you of a funeral home. Who knows, they could be a potential client. Let’s move to another sample.

What the fuck is this?

The Kit is a collection of clipart that gets stamped on a set number of materials along with personal information. Not only that, the larger pieces—#10 brochure and d-mailer—have body copy that, under normal circumstances, would speak to the capabilities of the practice, right? Well, since the Kit has no idea of which practice is going to be its owner, it comes off the shelf with body copy that is general in scope. It allows for specifics to be inserted in a Mad-Lib style. I know, it gets more impossible as I describe it. In short, everybody that purchases this product will have exactly the same marketing pieces, customized with a set of bullet points and bad clipart.

It gets better: Take a look at this business card. This is basically what gets cranked out of the software when you’re done with it. Only, the other IDs clipart selections are not as scalable. For example, if you had a practice that had physicians with names over a certain character length, you might break the format. E-mail address: ditto. Basically, you could buy the Kit and find out later that Erich Von Slodaburgmeister, MD, PHD, could not have a business card. I know: astounding.

Even better: Due to the nature of the Kit there’s no way to determine what type of data will be entered. So when typography is selected for the IDs you have to package the entire font with the Kit. Every character of the typeface needs to be included. Only, due to copyright laws you cannot distribute fonts without a license. So, you either include the fonts in the kit and kick up the price tag or you only include fonts that are ubiquitous to the potential owners. You see where that is going?

Since the owners are small medical practices, they are probably limited to a PC platform. Every identity in the Kit uses Arial and Times, exclusively. Here’s your clipart brochure that uses verbiage that is identical to every other owner, nicely typeset in Arial. Sweet, huh?

I am not making this shit up: The company had an employee on staff that was tasked with sales. In my initial introduction to the product I was asked to estimate the cost. I suggested a price tag of $500 would be about right, given the limitations of the software and the target audience. Small time physicians don’t have a lot of cash and they don’t have fancy taste. I asked the sales person how many V1.0’s they have sold. A: None. My $500 guess got a mild chuckle in response. The actual price tag is $5,000. Every fiber of my being was utilized to retain my get the fuck out reaction. It was brought to my attention that the Kit is package with a very detailed marketing brochure. It gives great insight into the methodologies involved. Really? Does it explain why cookie-cutter creative and messaging is an innovative approach for a go-to-market strategy? Alright, I didn’t actually say that. It was my first month on board. As it turns out, V2.0 is done. The sales person quit shortly afterwards and not one module has left the office.

So there it is. Just when you think that you have found a new place to work with reasonable intelligent people the rug gets pulled out from under you.

Take from here:

General Motors Vice Chairman Bob Lutz, a long-time critic of government fuel economy regulations, recently compared the attempt to force carmakers to sell smaller vehicles to the notion of “fighting the nation's obesity problem by forcing clothing manufacturers to sell garments only in small sizes.”

That, folks, tops the week. Lutz’ analogy is bogus. The nation’s obesity problem is dealt with in a number of ways. On the Fed side, things like nutritional labels, minimum dietary requirements and regulation of additives are implemented. These restrictions are congruent to CAFE standards, and fuel additive and emissions regulation used in the auto industry. To compare these to dress sizes is twaddle. To spell things out, the Fed is not saying you can only buy a dress in a size two. They are saying that if you are driven to consume more nutrition than the national average, and in doing so pull over to the side of the road and take a shit eight times a day, you pay more. Num-nutz.

We’ve discussed CAFE standards here before. If you haven’t read it, here’s a recap. By raising the federal requirements for fuel efficiency, and keep in mind that the number is an average among a fleet of cars—so, the ’Vette and the Cobalt cancel each other out—the Fed is actually lowering the cost of fuel to the consumer. Basically, if I used to get 25 miles to a gallon and now I get 30, gas is essentially 20% cheaper because my fill-up goes further than it used to, before the CAFE increase. Extend that economic externality across a population and you find that people value fuel less, they are willing to commute greater distances, and the level of consumption remains the same. In short, CAFE standards are are great way to make more efficient cars. They do not, however, keep people from consuming MORE fuel.

With that said, where does that leave us? The Fed can push and pull on the equation—give an incentive for more efficiency and disincentive for less. Which, to get back to Lutz’ poor analogy, would be like clothiers charging an incremental amount for larger clothing. Which, now that I think of it, seems completely logical. A XXXL takes more material and time to produce, that equals a larger price tag. Simple enough?

Well, you might suggest that cars are not sold by weight. Fair enough. People do not get fat because they can find a pair of pants that more closely resembles a trash can liner. Lutz’ judgement is compromised because his cash cow is going to follow fuel prices out to pasture.

A few notes after the yesterday’s game. Honestly, it should not have been as close as it was. There were a few plays early on that would have closed the door on the Seahawks in the first half. On Seattle’s opening drive there were two consecutive tosses to the right side of the field that should have been INTs returned for TDs. The first fell just short to Briggs, the second bounced off of Vasher’s chest. That would have put Seattle in a two-score hole. The following two series each featured near-sacks, I know, not a stat. To his credit, Hasselback got the ball out by the hair on his chin. Fair enough. The Bears should have registered a couple of sacks and that would have changed things a great deal. Be that as it may, Seattle settled down and made a few big plays and the rest is history.

For all the talk about Rex, he was a non-issue. Which is exactly where the Bears wanted him to be. True enough, he needs to look at more tape and work picking up the blitzers. The offensive line was sketchy in parts. That combined with Grossman’s pocket presence and you get a situation that ripe for turnovers. Rex had fumble on a play that he should have sensed the pressure. Fine. The INT was a tipped ball. All-in-all, not a bad performance. If you consider the big plays to Berrian and Davis, Rex had a pretty good day.

So with that, how many close games do the Bears have to win to silence the critics? Seriously, throughout the season every big game against a legitimate contender has resulted in a W, with the exception of the New England game. The Bears lost that game. Sure enough, they gave the Pats a run for their money.

With this divisional playoff win, the Bears have two wins against Seattle. Add to that the road victories in New York and the drubbing of the NFC North and you get a damn good season. But hey, you are only as good as the schedule that you are given. Have their been ups and down? Sure, but not any more than any other team in the league. The Pats were terrible in the middle of the season. Indy fell apart at the close of the season. The Chargers, who were crowned by every pundit in the game, got bounced early. Baltimore…ditto.

So now I am officially on the Bears bus. Chicago fans tend to share a tentative quality to their enthusiasm. As the playoffs roll around we clam-up a bit and sit on our hands during the games. As the game rolled around last week I was preparing myself for the worst.

Next Sunday, I am looking forward to seeing a dome team play at Soldier Field in January. The Bears are going to win…big.

The new year has started with a new opportunity. Prior to the close of 2006, I had taken a few steps to position myself for a much needed change of employment. The current gig is a stagnant, cess-pool of mediocrity. Things have moved quickly indeed. I received a response to some promotional materials. A week later, I’ve been told that I was a late submission in a creative candidate evaluation period and have moved to the top of the stack.

The firm is a techno-solution company that offers many facets of marketing and communications. Yeah…websites, product launches, immersion software, etc… all while being a provider that companies like Macromedia include as beta partners. The catch is that I got what I wanted: as a candidate that has a limited technical ability, an opportunity with a company that pushes the envelope. A code-talker I am not. That hasn't scared the employer away.

If things go as expected, and they don’t come back with an absurd salary compensation, I will get to choose in the day or so.

Which, is the part that seems to be more difficult than I originally expected. See, I have a job that is fine. The people are fine, the work is fine. After an extended period of time, things would be, well…fine. The stability my current employer offers would be paid for with a skill development that is also…just simply fine. Decent trade-off? Maybe.

The red pill could plunge me into a situation that is both competitive and uncertain. Don’t get me wrong, confidence is not my issue. I have no doubt that I can make the rubber meet the road. My fear is that I turn out to be wrong. Maybe the other creatives here can vouch for this as well. Every time I switch jobs I get that queasy feeling that is common before a presentation that you moderately prepared for. You are pretty sure you can handle it. But there’s always that one thing that blind sides you. Falling down on the conservative side of things, I don’t enjoy leaving my ass hanging out a cab window, moving or not.

With that said, anybody got any good ice-breakers for the corporate dear John conversation? The shift is on.

Just checking the pulse here. Do any of the riders think that the Bears are going to win on Sunday? Really?

I am having a hard time with either thought as the game approaches. I was out of town for Rex’s complete debacle against the Packers. It’s hard to imagine a worse performance. ’Course Rex could trip over Kreutz’ feet, break Bensen’s knee by falling on it. He could also contract some rare form of flu and take out half the defense. After that, I cannot think of anything worse. And then there’s the whole I wasn’t in the game bit that is just irritating. Clue: Rex, next time you get in front of the mic, do not give the reporters any more ammunition than they already have. ’Fer chris’ sake.

Anyway, a year ago I was trumpeting the sentiment that Jake fucking Delhomme could not possibly beat the best ranked defense in the NFC. Jake Delhomme…yeah he did beat the Bears and I still cannot believe it. This year, I will not make the same remarks regarding Hasselback. Mostly, because Matt is a better quaterback. And, because last year still stings.

This weekend I am setting myself up for disappointment. Mainly because the defense is not what it was with the loss of Brown and Harris. That is putting more pressure on Rex to make plays. As the season has wound down, that has not turned out to be Rex’s strongest ability. Exactly what his strongest ability in fact is exactly, is still pending.

That’s not to say I would second guess Lovie in any way. Rex is the man, has been from the top down. I am more than willing to let the chips fall where they may. At this point, I am preparing myself for the loss, and looking forward to being disappointed.

I got back state-side a couple of days ago, took a couple of days to catch-up with work. It was good to get away from the 9-5, or more like 6-2 (the late 2), for a few days. The wife and I took a trip to Dublin for the New Year with a group of four others. That included my brother-in-law and his new, lovely, american citizen of a girl friend, my ex-sister-in-law and a friend of my wife’s. You find some things out about people when you spend a few days in a condo together, and not all of them are good. That, and group action always involves a great deal of wasted time—drives the wife and I batty.

We rented a three bedroom unit, right around the corner from the Temple Bar area, smack in the middle of Dublin. This, combined with the three-bill airfare, made the trip fairly inexpensive. ’Course, it may have interrupted my couch demeanor, but that’s probably a good thing.

You may not know this, but Ireland is green, really friggin’ green. The other thing that I didn’t expect was the low apex of the sun. Looking south, a three or four-story building would offer a fair amount of shade. Basically, the light is always like 10 a.m. in the Midwest. Combine that with an upper 40ºF temperature and you get a real nice winter. A little damp, which makes it feel a bit cooler, but all around nice. Good pub weather.

If you get to Dublin, make this your first stop: The Brazen Head. It’s just off the beaten path, on the south side of the Liffey river. Our group entered the pub, passed through a 5' doorway and seated ourselves next to a fireplace, in a room that was 15' square, including the bar. It’s a great atmosphere. The walls are slathered in currency, most of it green backs, that is inscribed with patrons’ sentiments. We ended up getting the attention of, aside from everybody, a particularly amiable gentlemen that worked in gov’t security. He bought us a round, mentioned that he met Clinton a few years back and then he shed some light on the Rising of 1916, why Ireland isn’t unified and so on.

After that, make a stop at the Temple Bar, shown in the photo above. It is touristy, mind you. But it has a layout that is lovely. Due to the climate, outdoor seating is always an option. The space transitions between indoor and outdoor without much of a notice. You can sit down at a table that due to the proximity of the walls and surroundings feels inside. Then you’ll notice that in the middle of the table is a propane heating fixture. Don’t spend a great deal of time there—food is not served—unless you’re looking to spend time with other people who aren’t from there either. Also mentionable is Fitzsimmons. Again, not the Brazen Head by any means. Very current, live music, co-ed scene.

Which, is a good segue. My wife, in a round about sorta way, mentioned to some of the local men that the Irish women are not all that attractive, especially in terms of fashion. I’ll admit that Dublin is no Barcelona by any stretch of the imagination. Of course, she was in her cups at the time. I was engrossed in deep political discussion with a young guy that was part of the group . After a few rounds of ear-to-mouth conversation I was made aware of the former fact that my wife was generally pissing off the indigenous folks; and that my new-boob, ex sis-in-law was getting offers from the male patrons.You cannot take a fake blonde, big-titted, Red Bull drinking broad anywhere. We made an exit as we were discussing the cost of housing in Dublin.

New Year’s eve was spent at Taylor’s Three Rock, just outside of the city. It was a cliché evening that featured this act and some fine Irish dancers. When in Rome, right? Of course, Big Tits was called up on stage during the audience participation section of the evening. The end of the evening was a bit of a train wreck. The place is packed with patrons. It’s about ten miles outside of the city. So, walking is not a great idea. There are zero cabs. At 20 euros a trip there is a good amount of cash on the table. We waited for about thirty minutes. The establishment does not call taxis—which is really weird. We started the hike. Since there was six of us, and actually more like 7.5, we needed two taxis. The first group found one easily and the other four of us walked a good hour or so before one was kind enough to stop. Unreal.

The rest of the trip included Trinity College, Christ’ Church, a tour of the Guinness brewery and a day trip to the Wicklow mountains. All lovely.

So what about the Guinness, you might be asking? At first, I wasn't that impressed. I’ve always been told that it is so different over there. Ummm…no. The beer is exactly the same. The difference is the circulation. If you go to Chilli’s and order Guinness you should be clubbed with luke-warm ham hock. Any place that sells a large quantity of the ruby-dark libation is going to be about the same. It’s when the keg sits around for six months that you get an inferior taste. If you are buying your Guinness from the grocery store in the widget cans and expect a great taste—you also get the bacon-flavored bludgeoning. If you are like me, I only hit the liquor isle for the stuff if I have been strung out for over six months. Sometimes you neeeed it. I understand. So, yeah, the taste is great. The head is really creamy and coats your entire palette. Stick your nose in it and enjoy. If you frequent Irish pubs around town that are respectable, it’s not the holy-grail. Since we are on the subject, we all know that Guinness is served from a tap that is nitrogen-based, right? Well, over there, they also serve other beers through the same taps. Kilkenny was absolutely fantastic with the nitro-cascade. Honestly, I could put it down better than the stout. Fab-u-lous.