This hopes to be the final installment in the series. For new riders, I have fallen into the nasty habit of blogging about my employer. I cannot help it. Somethings I just cannot let go of. It gives me an opportunity to remember the banal shit that I have been witness to over the years. If you missed the series, here's The Pitch, The Display, The Mantra and Lunch and Learn. All good reads for when you are considering the merits of the Corporate Bake Sale and its impact on the current office landscape.

Without further delay—I came to my soon to be former employer as a candidate that possessed both print and interactive media experience. The employer was looking to explore new medias and felt that I was the best fit. One of the interesting tid-bits that fell out of the interview process was the mention of a proprietary piece of software that the company was developing. It targets the small to mid-sized medical practices that fell below the agency rate card. These guys are too small to pay for high-end marketing solutions. The idea was to develop something that could be purchased off the shelf that allowed owners to customize their own marketing materials, without having to actually develop them. Basically, it was a set of materials, in the can, that could be customized through a content entry process. At the interview point details were not discussed. I was intrigued.

That was what became known as The Kit. Version 1.0 was already in production when I came on board. After a few short weeks of employment, I got to get under the hood of version 2.0. It seems 1.0 was not selling, and through the process feedback was received that was being incorporated into the second version. What was laid before me was shocking in its lack of scope and misguided assumptions.

Get this: calling the Kit software is similar to calling a two-liter bottle a beverage distribution system. Here’s why. V1.0 provided the owner with six identities to choose from. (Yeah, I know…seems a tad light.) Once the ID was selected custom data could be entered: practice name, location, phone number, names, etc. Then those were applied to a suite of materials: biz cards, brochures, d-mail pieces, ads, and so on. Under the hood, PDFs of all the materials were on the disk. Blanks fields were filled with the data and press-ready PDFs were saved. The owner could take those files anywhere they wish for production. V2.0 was going to expand the creative offering to eight IDs.

The task at hand was to create identities logos that generally fit the medical sector. I immediately raised my hand. The component of a logo that makes it an identity is that it directly relates to an attribute of its owner. We don’t have any idea what type of practice is going to purchase this product. How can we possible do anything more than make pretty pictures and window dressing?

I received a shoulder shrug in response, and was directed to take my best shot. At the first round of creative review I was greeted with entries from my creative supervisor.

Here's a sample:

This next sample brochure cover will blow your mind. Forget that this reminds you of a funeral home. Who knows, they could be a potential client. Let’s move to another sample.

What the fuck is this?

The Kit is a collection of clipart that gets stamped on a set number of materials along with personal information. Not only that, the larger pieces—#10 brochure and d-mailer—have body copy that, under normal circumstances, would speak to the capabilities of the practice, right? Well, since the Kit has no idea of which practice is going to be its owner, it comes off the shelf with body copy that is general in scope. It allows for specifics to be inserted in a Mad-Lib style. I know, it gets more impossible as I describe it. In short, everybody that purchases this product will have exactly the same marketing pieces, customized with a set of bullet points and bad clipart.

It gets better: Take a look at this business card. This is basically what gets cranked out of the software when you’re done with it. Only, the other IDs clipart selections are not as scalable. For example, if you had a practice that had physicians with names over a certain character length, you might break the format. E-mail address: ditto. Basically, you could buy the Kit and find out later that Erich Von Slodaburgmeister, MD, PHD, could not have a business card. I know: astounding.

Even better: Due to the nature of the Kit there’s no way to determine what type of data will be entered. So when typography is selected for the IDs you have to package the entire font with the Kit. Every character of the typeface needs to be included. Only, due to copyright laws you cannot distribute fonts without a license. So, you either include the fonts in the kit and kick up the price tag or you only include fonts that are ubiquitous to the potential owners. You see where that is going?

Since the owners are small medical practices, they are probably limited to a PC platform. Every identity in the Kit uses Arial and Times, exclusively. Here’s your clipart brochure that uses verbiage that is identical to every other owner, nicely typeset in Arial. Sweet, huh?

I am not making this shit up: The company had an employee on staff that was tasked with sales. In my initial introduction to the product I was asked to estimate the cost. I suggested a price tag of $500 would be about right, given the limitations of the software and the target audience. Small time physicians don’t have a lot of cash and they don’t have fancy taste. I asked the sales person how many V1.0’s they have sold. A: None. My $500 guess got a mild chuckle in response. The actual price tag is $5,000. Every fiber of my being was utilized to retain my get the fuck out reaction. It was brought to my attention that the Kit is package with a very detailed marketing brochure. It gives great insight into the methodologies involved. Really? Does it explain why cookie-cutter creative and messaging is an innovative approach for a go-to-market strategy? Alright, I didn’t actually say that. It was my first month on board. As it turns out, V2.0 is done. The sales person quit shortly afterwards and not one module has left the office.

So there it is. Just when you think that you have found a new place to work with reasonable intelligent people the rug gets pulled out from under you.