If you're not familiar with the consumerist, then I suggest checking it out. It's another Gawker site, but that's a good thing. Here's what they say about themselves:
The Consumerist loves to shop, and is reconciled to utilities, but hates paying for shoddy products, inhumane customer support, and half-assed service.
Each week The Consumerist will guide you through the delinquencies of retail and service organizations. The Consumerist will highlight the persistent, shameless boners of modern consumerism -- and the latest hot deals, discounts, and freebies around.
Join us. You'll tell us when you've been royally screwed by yet another company, and we'll channel your rage. Together we will storm the revolving doors of faceless corporations to call them naughty words for genitals, and they will begin to fear us.
The Consumerist. Capitalism is broken. We'll help you fix it.
Why should you care? Because they're AWESOME, that's why. Need another reason? They've given some tips for giving to charity that are solid gold -- including a great list of charities that will apply most (or all) of your $$ to the actual charity instead of paying for fackin' overhead (salaries, rent, marketing, etc.)
Here’s a little something to keep your attention.
Barring any last minute rants entries, as of tomorrow afternoon/evening I will be out of town until after the new year. For general inquiries, please use this contact information. I have every intention of taking the alphabetical approach to completion. However, considering prior histories, I realize that is an insurmountable task.
Best of luck to you all in the new year…cheers.
Since there is now a Dr. on the track, I want a clear answer to something: can you get diseases from a toilet seat?
I ask because, as most office buildings do, our bathrooms offer the option of using one of those Seat-Condoms that you pull out of the pack (Pull UP, then DOWN). Frankly, I consider this a pussy thing to do. They're stupid, and listening to some jagoff situate his fat ass on tissue paper before he drowns a fecal-burrito is just fucking annoying.
Even worse? The people who make the toilet-paper nests themselves by rolling out 900 yards of paper from the roll and folding it like prophylactic origami before their dainty asses can be unveiled.
Or is this a wise safety move, and I'm just being a jackass?
I usually don’t get into this sort of thing. After reading Gene Wojciechowski ’s ESPN article, Bears still have time, but not much margin for error , I have to fisk it.
Have you ever seen a more dysfunctional, less impressive 12-win team than these guys? Have you ever seen a coach who plays the paranoia card as often as the spectacularly tone-deaf Lovie Smith? Have you ever seen fewer players unwilling to at least acknowledge what everyone else with at least a beer cup's worth of objectivity sees: that the Bears are walking a line as thin as the laces on a football?
We let’s see. As for unwillingness to acknowledge a problem, let’s start with Ron Turner, the Bears’ offensive coordinator:
“He’s overanalyzing things,” said offensive coordinator Ron Turner. “It’s one thing to watch film and be prepared, but on game day you have to react. That’s what he was doing early in the year. I went back and watched some early tapes and he was reacting. He was very, very decisive and trusting what he saw. Somehow he got away from that and he’s got to get back to it.”
Hmmm, maybe Rex is in denial:“It was pretty bad,” Grossman said. “There were a lot of plays to be made. The Vikings played well, but there were plays to be made that weren’t made, and it was mostly bad reads and a couple of poor throws. It’s not like there aren’t plays to be made and I’m coming to the sideline frustrated like, ‘What am I supposed to do?’
How about Lovie Smith, maybe all the denial is coming straight form the top:“We are not making a change,” Smith said. “We have evaluated Rex’s performance as we have our entire team. Rex didn’t play as well as he needed to. It was a bad game for us and a bad game for Rex. Whenever you turn the football over, it’s not good. We have to get better at that position.
“That’s about all I can tell you about it right now is that we realize we have to get better at the position. We can’t make the mistakes that we made, but Rex is our starting quarterback and we’re trying to get him better.”
“We know what kind of ability Rex has. We’re 100 percent behind him. We feel like he’s one of those guys who can definitely take us to where we want to go, and that’s to the Super Bowl.”
That could be denial, or it could be a team that chooses not to point fingers and lets the coaching staff determine personnel matters. I know, crazy talk.Sunday afternoon, as I was cleaning my cache of semiautomatic weapons and surface-to-air rocket launchers, I watched the Bears-Tampa Bay Buccaneers game with my kids and our 26 pit bulls. Oh, wait, that was defensive tackle Tank Johnson, who, incredibly enough, is still employed by the Bears. That folks, goes beyond the use of hyperbole. Nowhere in any of the coverage of the Tank Johnson debacle has it been mentioned that assault weapons and dogs have been recovered. Clue: lack of an FOID does not equal assault weapons. Wojciechowski must have access to more information than all the media outlets in Chicago.Anyway, the more I watched, the more I realized how flawed and fragile this team is. The Bears aren't posers. Posers don't go 12-2. They're not frauds. Frauds don't clinch a first-round bye as early as Game 14. But they're also not the NFL's best team. Or second best. Or third. Or fourth. Or maybe fifth. No, the Bears have the best record. Their record is a reflection of their individual performance through the course of a season schedule. Did they get an easy schedule? Well, they finished with eleven wins in 2005. Clue: Detroit asks for an easy schedule.
I know they have the league’s best record. I know they’re 4-0 in their division and 10-0 in their conference. But the other three NFC North teams are a combined 14-28 and in danger of being optioned to NFL Europe. And the rest of the NFC is so stressed out that it needs a spa day. It’s the two-bagger conference, if you know what I mean. Could be. Is Gene motioning for a unified playoff field. Maybe we should take four wild-card teams from the AFC and forget the two-bagger conference?
In mid-October, the Bears needed the collapse of the decade to beat gawd-awful Arizona on the road. Two months later at home, they needed overtime to beat a Tampa Bay team that scores less often than guys in leisure suits. If you have to struggle to beat the Cardinals and the Bucs on opposite ends of your regular season, you've got a major problem. Or, you could be a well coached team that can overcome mistakes—mistakes that only happen in the NFC.
The Cardinals’ Dennis Green had it right when he went Danny DeVito after the Oct. 16 loss. “The Bears are who we thought they were,” he raged. “If you want to crown them, crown their ass,” said Green, YouTube's Sportsman of the Year. “They are who we thought they were and we let them off the hook.” Addendum: Colts, Broncos, Patriots, Ravens—all off the hook.
The Bears deserve a fist bump, not a crown. Of their 12 wins, 10 have come against teams with records of .500 or worse. Next up: the Detroit Lions (Hello, No. 1 pick! Goodbye, Matt Millen!) and Green Bay Packers. The Bears started the season at 7-0 with wins against (opponent’s record at gameday): Packers (0-0), Lions (0-1), Vikings (2-0), Seattle (3-0), Bills (2-2), Cardinals (1-3), 49ers (2-4).Four of those teams are still in contention for the playoffs, three had wining records at that point. Wojciechowski must be wishing for something that resembles the BCS in the National Football League. Now, not only do teams have to win their scheduled games, they also have to win with style points over upper-eschelon franchises. AFC—crowned! Gimme a break.
In a game of NFL word association, you'd say, "Bears," and I'd say, "Watching the Super Bowl on their home plasmas." You'd say, "Home-field advantage." I'd say, "2005 Divisional Playoff at Soldier Field: Carolina Panthers 29, Bears 21."
You'd say, "Kyle Orton." I'd say, "Rex Grossman and his 1.3 quarterback rating."
There are too many moving parts on this machine. The tailback tag team of Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson can barely tolerate each other. Grossman is like food on a cruise ship: You don't know if you're going to love it or ralph in your state room. And the defense suddenly needs mouth-to-mouth.
Most games over 100 point passer rating : Grossman
Bear’s rank in turnover ratio, overall : 2nd
Bear’s rank in points scored, overall : 2nd
Bear’s overall rank in points allowed, overall : 3rd
I know, somehow that equates to not the fifth best team in the league.The Bucs, led by third-string quarterback Tim Rattay, outscored the Bears 28-7 in the second half of Sunday's game. The Bucs. On two plays. Two plays. Really, watch the tape.
Six days earlier, the Bears gave up 27 points to the St. Louis Rams. If defense wins championships, the Bears better find some help for Brian Urlacher and Lance Briggs. And fast. Well, Vasher and Johnson (Todd) are due to return before the end of the season.
Did I mention the injuries? Offensive tackle John Tait missed the last game, though it didn't seem fatal. Cornerback Nathan Vasher was out. Defensive tackle Tommie Harris is lost for the season. So is safety Mike Brown. Jones has some cranky ribs. Charles Tillman is nursing a sore back. Clue: everybody in the NFL has a set of cranky ribs and a sore back. But you know, nothing but a beer’s worth of objectivity here, folks.
And yet, Mr. "The Glass Is Completely Full" Smith acts as if it's a huge deal the Bears are unbeaten against the rest of the NFC North mopes. He recites the Bears' overall record like it's a weather update. Last week, 11-2. This week, 12-2. Next week, after they dispose of the Lions, 13-2. Lovie could be speculating about future jobs as a college coach. Maybe that would make Gene happy. Nit wit.
But it doesn't change some essential truths about this team. First of all, they aren't the '85 Bears. Never were - even when they were winning big during the first six weeks of this season. Never will be. Aside from the fact that the '85 Bears would crush your thorax the moment you walked off the team bus, they were likable, eccentric, charismatic. Clue: Nobody seriously compared the 2006 team to the 1985 team except drunks and reporters; and drunk reporters for that matter.
The '06 Bears reflect Smith. Mostly bland. Defensive. In a state of denial about all sorts of things, including, oh, I don't know, defensive tackles, assault rifles, and wee-hour fatal shootings. Add a charisma column to all NFL team’s standings: check.
Four days after police raided his suburban Chicago home and found unregistered firearms, Johnson was still on the team. Three days after Bears management read him the riot act, and two days after his friend/roommate/bodyguard was shot and killed at a Chicago nightclub (with Johnson at the same club), Johnson was still on the team. See comment regarding assault weapons above.
Smith didn't absolve Johnson, but during his weekly news conference Monday he did seem to suggest that the defensive tackle's career with the Bears still had a heartbeat, however faint. If so, then Smith needs a refresher course on tough love. See also: Ray Lewis.
There is a lot to like about these Bears, but more to dislike. They are either five games from a Super Bowl championship or three games from a January playoff loss. Right now, I'm leaning toward the loss. Too much Bears indifference, arrogance and self-importance. Teams that wish to focus on the field, play only the opponents their schedule allows and their attempts to maintain focus throughout the season are indifferent, arrogant and self-important. Whaaaaa? Earth to Gene. Come in, Gene.
What's that phrase they tell alcoholics? The first step toward recovery is admitting you've got a problem. Admit it, Gene, you suck. This article sucks. With all the other stories to choose from this week: TO, Philly, Indy’s resurgent defense…you picked this?
That's what the Bears have to do: admit they've got a problem. There's still time for recovery. Barely. Up next week: the New York Giants don’t smile enough on the field; Seattle’s climate clouds Holgren’s sympathy for Green bay.
Read that again if you have to. Grossman has had some awful games this season. He's also had some great games as well. His numbers are all over the place. If you take out his two worst games you can shave off a couple days with single-digit passer ratings and six INTs. I’m not saying his inconsistency is not an issue. It does come with the territory of a young QB. What’s more notable is the declining defense that has given up more and more and the season has gone on. Forget Grossman’s performance, the Bear’s defense is struggling to keep pace. The injuries to Brown, Harris, Johnson (Todd) and Vasher have made themselves known. With Tank Johnson’s question mark, the problem is not the offense.
With all the talk of a weak NFC, dominate AFC East and what-not, the Bears have quietly been good enough to beat everybody in the NFC, and minus a game against the Dolphins where they didn’t show-up, the have only lost to the Patriots. With that said, their AFC record is .500. I'll throw out that the Bears should have beaten the Pats and should have lost to Arizona, which leaves thier overall record unchanged.
Guess what, none of that matters. The Bears are one of the best coached teams in the league. Period. They've had some poor performances all around—offense, defense, special teams. Qeue up Rex’s INTs and fumbles, Hester’s muffed returns, Davis’ muffed returns, Brady faking Urlacher out of his shoes, etc. They’ve also been in every game, minus the Miami embarrassment. The team wins in different ways, every week. None of the talk about a stronger conference matters either. If the Bears do make it to the SB they are only going to have to play ONE AFC team. And that game, more times than not, comes down to coaching.
That brings me to the coaching rosters of the upcoming playoffs. The NFC has Smith (untested), Parcells and Holmgren. The AFC has Dungy, Shotenhiemer, Billick and Belichick. Now, Reid of the Eagles and Coughlin of the Giants could get in, I don't put them in the top tier of coaches. I’d like to put this theory to test in January. Let’s see, out of that short list of coaches, who is still standing after the championship games.
Depending on how the seeding works out, I look for Parcells and Holmgren to get past either Payton (Saints), Reid or Coughlin. As it stands now, Seattle would play Philly and Dallas goes against NY. As for the AFC, Baltimore goes against the Jets and the Pats play the Bengals. The winners go against Smith, Dungy, Marty and Payton. I’m not saying it’s in the can. If I got paid to make picks, that would be them.
Of course, the obvious exception to my rule is the fact that the team everybody considers to be the best in the NFL, the Chargers, also has a well-seasoned coach. So, if the Bolts run the table in the post season the argument between coach v. players goes nowhere. On the other hand, if Belichick, and his veterans get a shot at the Chargers, I might put some money down on the East Coast. In like fashion, if the Bears have to face Holmgren or Parcells, I’d be worried.
Game on.
On a serious note, last night I had one of the best days of the holiday season. The wife and I stopped by the post-office and grabbed a few letters to Santa. Not sure about the non-local riders, but Chicago USPS organizes all the letters it receives addressed to Santa so that folks can browse and answer them at their own discretion.
Of course, you get a lot of petitions for Xboxes and iPods. So it goes. I tend to think that kids who are willing to ask for staples, since most want toys, probably need them. We spent the evening shopping for jackets, shirts, pants and, of course, a shinny race car pr two for kids that don't have crap. More accurately, they have crap and we had a chance to change that…a little bit.
Not sure if the local offices offer something similar in your area. Might be a nice thing to do. Carry-on.
CNN: Miss USA 'issues' have her in trouble.
This goes without saying but…The Mint would like to call attention to beauty pageant winners that have fallen off the wagon and joined the ranks of the lewd and depraved…folks like riders here. A mighty cheers goes out to Miss Conner from this lonley corner of the Web. The Mint gives a big approving nod in her general direction for what appears to be actions unbecoming a Miss USA in places that lubricate our cultural machinery with libatious refreshment.
Right. Fucking. On.
In any event, if the runner-up is crowned, the Mint finds her totally acceptable as a replacement. ’Course, it’d be better if she was a whiskey drinker.
Oh, and I'm putting in my vote for the NBA Slam Dunk Winner—All time.
Most compelling choreography.
Most flattering uniform.
That’s it, my vote for best NFL cheerleaders goes to the Miami Dolphins…hands down (or out to the sides for that matter). You know it, baby. The Houston Texans, which by the way is quite possibly the most inane name for a franchise, are a close runner-up, mainly because of one individual being a freak of nature.
I would like the riders to, for a moment, consider the merits of this candidate. Take as long as you need to.
On the walk to the interviews, waited with this to cross the street:
At lunch, sat one table away from:
The first looks better in person, the second, worse. Though, not really as bad as I would have thought.
UPDATE: Elisha's pic seems to have disappeared, so replaced it with another. For those of you who might not be as familiar, you might remember Elisha from such films as The Porn Star Comes to Dinner, , or Will Ferrel Streaking and Other Stuff on Film.
